Ironic

There's always a part in all of us that people that once loved us before will always stay. They're like long gone fingerprints left on the tips of our own fingers which we sometimes will rub against and feel the sensation of what was there before. Love isn't something simple or easily described. Everyone goes through it and not realising what kind of outcome it might bring. Some endings may be happy some may not be. Most of the time we're just plainly hurt. I for one is not being cynical just moderately unhappy with how things may turn out to be sometimes.

Sometimes i wonder to myself how does two people really fall in love or what makes them fall out of love then ? Then i realise that there isn't an explanation to it. It just happens. Its as if its the most natural thing to do. The important thing remains being who are we really falling in love with and is it worth the love we are going to give.

It does not take two to tango most of the time because there will always be one person loving the other without being loved in return. But i admire these people because they never really expect anything in return and no matter how much of a love they are giving or sacrificing for that person it does not matter to them because at that time they know the smile that can be brought upon their face is what matters the most to them. I really do admire these people who can constantly love a person for as long as they do until one day they realise that its probably time to stop. That's when the other person tend to feel the emptiness.

And all these nights of loneliness its only the emptiness i feel from the person that i once loved for so long and so deep. Sometimes i wonder to myself how did i lose all sense of belonging and not wanting to be in the story anymore. Its hard to imagine my life without him before this time and now i'm here i realised it isn't that hard really. But what ticks the most is not why but how..
His fingerprints has left a burnt mark on mine and when i ponder about it i feel the burning pain deep inside but its not the sense of belonging anymore, its just isn't the same anymore. And that hurts more than anything because once upon a time i felt so much overpowering of care and protection and now what's left are only the pieces of it.

After all that nights i know i am moving on. Slowly but i am. No more tears would be my first goal and no more putting the blame on myself on how all these happened would come then.

I don't want you to be a security blanket which i cover myself with every night. I don't want you to be someone that would just fill the gaps of the person that was once there but most of all i don't want to know if this isn't what i really what i truly feel for you because i know i want it more than anything for you to be someone that could show me the way again. I want to be in love again but not right now. I need time and i hope that you'd be my time for now and in the future.

Some things may not change most of the time but it alters or moulds to a person's life and changes it forever.

You said that if i cried you'd be the one trying to understand me and cry with me but try your very best to make me smile again because i deserve the best.

Guess what ?
I guess you changed my life without knowing it and eventhough he may be a part of me that will always and forever be there but you'd be the next part that i will never know unless and until i give you that chance.

And that chance would come but i need more time to walk away from these scars first.

Because i'm ignorant

The love in our relationship has passed the stage where its been so saturated there's almost nothing left. I don't know why am i holding back right now when i know i have no regrets in letting go of what we had for these two years. Its been so long since i've made up my mind but now that i found that you have been moving on its even harder for me to accept that this is really the end.

The end of the end of us never really meant the end. We never fought in these two years but the moment we tore apart is where all the fighting took place. Me trying to fight loose while you trying to put us together. It feels like only yesterday we talked again but now we seem so distant from each other. I never imagined that i can feel this way because i was the one that let go of us in the first place. Why would my mind be playing tricks on me now after everything is undone ? Is it just a part of our history now that we've been in love ? Is our love not strong enough to go thru every weather ? Was i wrong for pushing you too far away because of what i wanted ?

I thought we'd still be good friends after everything guess i thought wrong. You said you still care only you didn't want me to know that you still do. I know i SHOW that i don't care but part of me still cares what do you do everyday and whether do you still think of me. I know that i am selfish for still wanting you to care about me like you still do even when now we're not together anymore but isn't all human being selfish ? Is it so wrong to want someone who used to love you with all their heart to at least just care a little more than they should ?

What the heck do i really want now ? I know i don't want it back but i still want him to care.

Because i know deep down inside me i feel that my heart is breaking silently every night without my consent.

And that sucks big time because i know i can do nothing about it now. I'm in between emotions of letting my heart love again.

So close yet so far.

Fear

I'm afraid that i will fall..

But somehow i'm more afraid to feel that i cannot love again ..

I'm afraid that if i let go now i won't be able to see you again ..

But i still am not ready and i know that you understand and i know that it takes time ..

I hope that you understand that no matter how far i go with this there is always a part of me that will still think of him..

And only now i'm feeling the void that cannot be expressly explained..

What is it with this stupid feeling of emptiness ?

Fuck all this.

I want to learn to know how to love someone again.

Tearing down the past

Am hearing to Chris Brown's Say goodbye at the moment and feeling a lil emo-ish all night long. I don't know what has been bugging me.. 2007 has been a rocky road for me. Felt almost as if i had a long ride on a still rollercoaster. It has its ups and downs and its round of deja vus. Its not easy letting go of a person you once loved for so long, i just felt that today after a month of not feeling anything.

Today also marks the day where i took of my ring which i wore faithfully for the past 2 years and i don't think i've ever felt so much heartache and pain that i never knew before. But like wat Lis said people don't die from heartaches they only wished they did. I know i'm not dying or anything but i guess maybe the closure of the chapter is just as hard as any other closure.

It has not been easy but i know i will be alright.. I know i am not in love with him anymore but i just can't pretend that i had stopped caring because i know somewhere deep down inside me i still do but it just remains to be something silent and still for now.

Most of the time people fall in love for no reasons and it is always unexplainable how feelings developes and i guess its the same when you fall out of love for someone. The reason i know deep down in my heart is the same reason i felt months ago. When the way you touch a person or the way your eyes don't shine or the way you slowly let go of the hands of the person you once loved changes then its a sign that the chapter is meant to be closed.

I closed my chapter a month ago after months of telling myself i can still do this but deep down inside i know i want otherwise.

How do you let go of someone who was once so important in your life ? How did the feelings faded when all he did was try his best to make you happy? How did i feel so indifferent and what made him call me 'cold blooded' and not giving him a chance to prove that maybe things can work out ?

I don't even know what i want anymore but all i know this is the day on the dot after a month i am finally tearing down the past and letting go of everything slowly and crying my eyes out.

I deserve this.

This pain i'm feeling and letting go of something is so indescriable but i'm glad that i am finally moving on.

New year and indifference

I never thought that in life you could feel indifferent about a person which you once loved so much. Everything happens for a reason and sometimes we ourselves don't even know the reason why our heart tells us so. Does it really prove anything if we keep defending ourselves or pretending to be in love ? I know i wouldn't take that step and if there is a way for me to turn back time right now i know i still would not take that chance because when you stop loving someone, you'd just know that leaving is the best thing.


I never wanted to build so much hate in other people and the best thing to do is probably stop caring. When my heart tells my mind to not cry anymore that was the turning point in a relationship that i know that was not meant to be.


Everything said in a relationship or promises made to build a lifetime together is not what makes the relationship a guarantee to be long lasting. People fall out of love all the time and what makes it harder is when one feels indifferent about the other. It may look like a whole different picture to others but it doesn't really matter when you believe in yourself and only you know what is the real reason.