Random Memoirs

There's one funny thing about fate is that you don't get to choose who you love or who you want to love you instead. I guess thats the beauty behind it.

I used to think that love was beyond everything and yups i can fairly say i know i was naive. I used to think that maybe love will eventually manage to get us through every obstacles we have to face. But i was clearly wrong. I learnt that eventually one day not knowing when we will get hurt but i guess i just don't want to believe that it is gonna happen anytime soon. I don't really know if i am prepared for things like that or what i am suppose to do if anything like that happens. I want to believe the fact that i think i know what i want is enough.

No this is not like some break-up or anything. I just like to feel emo once in a while and also reminisce or what a stupid girl i was before.

But however looking back at things i've done i find it kind of funny that there are a few times in life where i made mistakes that were so clear to others but not myself. I've been in a ditch where i was deceived, used and deluded. Thinking back on these things does not make me a perfect person but hey nobody is perfect right ? Everyone just strives on the strings of making it to perfection just like what i'm doing. You'll never know whats good for you until you actually take the time to really look and believe that you have tried your best.

In the past i remember i tried my very best to love you despite your flaws and despite the power you formed over me. I remembered i did not want to leave you without a reason to go against what you rationale as being "protective". I thought you were keeping me in a sanctuary where the only thing i could hold on to was you. But you were wrong for doing that and you know it but you just don't see it. I guess we developed some kind of love-hate relationship because i knew that i loved you so much but at the same i hated you for what you did to me. I didn't know there was a way to love someone like that.

And so i left. You were sad and i was sad but we're okay now that you got the meaning that i was trying to tell you at that point of time. I guess time eventually erased the feeling of intensity between us.

And on one fine day , i met him. I didn't know if what we had will develop into something else. But contrary to that something happened along the way and our relationship was never the same again. I can truly say he was a very good friend. He really was and i can truly say i've never regretted for what we left of because we were just thinking for the best of each other and its hard to really define what you really feel for someone. Like a close friend of mine said that trying to forget someone you loved is trying to remember someone you've never met. But i guess with time as well the feeling grows all moldy and you never actually bother remembering that someone which you've never met before anymore. I guess it just goes with time. If you would have asked me what could i have want it to be ; i'll simply say that "I want nothing more than friends because that is what we should remain to be. That is not for us to choose and there is nothing we can really do about it."

Which is true right ?

Love is something you cannot see with your eyes. It finds us in places we thought we would never be found. That is love and so is life.

I remember being deceived once. I never thought i could feel so much rage,anger,dissapointment, heartache and everything all at once. It just takes me to a whole new level of seeing things. I know i will never forget what happened and i doubt that i did actually forgive but i know that deep down i will always feel that you deceived me of my love and my ordeals. I had to deal with it. I had to just move on and not look back on all these things just to feel the anger surfacing again.

People may say that it is not fair for one to be punished in that way but then again who then is there to feel what i felt and to know even of the sorrows i've experienced and also the sadness that was dwelled upon me ? Nobody! How can anyone at all even said that i am being selfish for the fact that i really am not. This is what i felt before and it is buried somewhere deep inside of me now.

I'm not anymore the person i used to be. I know that i am different.

But in what sense ? I somehow cannot seem to pinpoint that part.

All i know is that i am happy at the moment and i want to feel this way for the longest time of my life.

And it is not all these things or circumstances that made me a much better and stronger person or changed the way i viewed things but it is the fact that faith had always been with me all these while.

Yup, that is how faith came around.